Ok.. It's been a while. So sue me!

I've recently discovered that Hamburger Helper comes in single serving packets and I've been a little preoccupied.

Everyone should have a few heros

Yeah. Steve McFuckin'Queen Baby.

Methocarbonal and fire escapes..

I haven't been up to much but since I've just skated with posting lately I thought I'd throw an update out there. The weather has been nice so I've taken to sitting on my fire escape overlooking the seedy little alley behind my building. I love that alley. Its all bricked in and the train comes by every thirty minutes or so. Throw some muscle relaxers and a few tall boys in that picture and you got a little slice o' heaven.
In other news.. The good Reverend is going to be a groomsmen in a wedding this Saturday. We all know what that means.. FREE BEER AND BRIDESMAIDS! "Saul", who is the best man and I had to be at a rehearsal last night to go over where we'll stand and shit like that. Well, "Saul" and I got a little toasted before hand at Mootsy's and back at my place thanks to my medicine cabinet, whom I lovingly call "Mother" because it always makes me feel so warm and fuzzy... So, we're on our third pitcher and find that its time to head to the hall and do our duty. Once we're there and standing in our places and concealed our wastedness to no one, I found myself getting agitated at their minister. I don't know if he was new or like myself landed the gig off an internet site but he's total crap! He mumbled and he floundered all around. At one point my wobbly ass actually sortakinda whispered to another groomsmen " Christ! This guy sucks! I'm an ordained minister.. I coulda done a hellova better job!" Now anyone whose ever imbibed before knows you give up all ability to whisper when you drink and since the minister was about 4 feet away he overheard me. All I could muster when he looked at me was "Well, I am." This prompted "Saul to lose it and snort out a laugh. Bride horrified, groom amused, bridesmaids pleasantly disgusted. Mission accomplished. For the remainder of the rehearsal part I shut my yap and did my job and pretended to listed to Minister Mushmouth albeit disgruntled. After the rehearsal I came home and grabbed a tall boy and a few muscle relaxers and sat out on the fire escape and reflected on the nights events and the fact that my 38th birthday and my 20 year high school reunion is damn near upon me and the fact that I couldn't be happier about both events. I look forward to growing older unlike most. I realize that soon my life will have to change and my skin will have to shed but really, who gives a fuck! We all have to. It's all in what lies beneath the sin, er, skin.

Chuck Motherfuckin Norris...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.



Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.



Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.




To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.




Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.




Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.




According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.




The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.




If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.




Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.




Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.




When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.




A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.




Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.




When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.




Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.




A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.




Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.




As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.




Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.



If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.



Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.




Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris




Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris




At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris




If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.




Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.






Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

Superman.... Donkeypuncher.

With all the hype about his new film coming out, I thought I'd expose the Man of Steel for the Donkeypunching bastard that he is...

Off to Sin City...

The Good Reverend is off to Vegas for a few days to save some souls. I heard that there is a good place to eat called The Pink Taco in the Hard Rock Hotel. I'll make sure to let you all know how it went!

Buy the bagfull (sic)

So I'm noshing at Dicks the other night. Its not that rare of a thing as I love the place and all the behind the glass too. I could never do their job. Their memories are sharp as tacks and their people skills are beyond reproach. On this particular night as I waited for my Whammy, large fry and combo pizza I passed the time shooting the shit with Vinny and we're listening to "Crazy Grey Haired Guitar Guy" pull some song out of his ass about passing people and it occurred to me that I'd never seen the two there at the same time before. Now there was this convergence of cosmic forces that had brought them and I together at Dicks on the same night. They are both Spokane icons and neither minded the other being there. The odd thing was they also did not acknowlage the others presence. Once my food came up I was amiss as to what to do with my change. Usually it will go to Vinny's "CAMAWOH FUND" or into CGHGG'S guitar case. Not wanting to offend either I split it between the two. Then I sat in my Jeep and grubbed whilst I watched the parade of all kinds. One thing about Dicks though is they have the best Coke I've ever tasted ( in liquid form of course..) Don't know how or why this is but it must be something in the way they mix the syrup or something who knows. Either way I feel Dicks gets a bad rap. I mean really how dirty can the place really be it has glass walls for christ's sake. You can look right into the kitchen what could they possibly do to your food that can't be seen. I firmly believe people need to lower their standards a bit and eat some more fucking whammies!