The midnight ramblings of Reverend Silky Johnson

Ok.. It's been a while. So sue me!

2006-08-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

I've recently discovered that Hamburger Helper comes in single serving packets and I've been a little preoccupied.

Everyone should have a few heros

2006-06-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Steve McFuckin'Queen Baby.

Methocarbonal and fire escapes..

2006-06-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't been up to much but since I've just skated with posting lately I thought I'd throw an update out there. The weather has been nice so I've taken to sitting on my fire escape overlooking the seedy little alley behind my building. I love that alley. Its all bricked in and the train comes by every thirty minutes or so. Throw some muscle relaxers and a few tall boys in that picture and you got a little slice o' heaven.
In other news.. The good Reverend is going to be a groomsmen in a wedding this Saturday. We all know what that means.. FREE BEER AND BRIDESMAIDS! "Saul", who is the best man and I had to be at a rehearsal last night to go over where we'll stand and shit like that. Well, "Saul" and I got a little toasted before hand at Mootsy's and back at my place thanks to my medicine cabinet, whom I lovingly call "Mother" because it always makes me feel so warm and fuzzy... So, we're on our third pitcher and find that its time to head to the hall and do our duty. Once we're there and standing in our places and concealed our wastedness to no one, I found myself getting agitated at their minister. I don't know if he was new or like myself landed the gig off an internet site but he's total crap! He mumbled and he floundered all around. At one point my wobbly ass actually sortakinda whispered to another groomsmen " Christ! This guy sucks! I'm an ordained minister.. I coulda done a hellova better job!" Now anyone whose ever imbibed before knows you give up all ability to whisper when you drink and since the minister was about 4 feet away he overheard me. All I could muster when he looked at me was "Well, I am." This prompted "Saul to lose it and snort out a laugh. Bride horrified, groom amused, bridesmaids pleasantly disgusted. Mission accomplished. For the remainder of the rehearsal part I shut my yap and did my job and pretended to listed to Minister Mushmouth albeit disgruntled. After the rehearsal I came home and grabbed a tall boy and a few muscle relaxers and sat out on the fire escape and reflected on the nights events and the fact that my 38th birthday and my 20 year high school reunion is damn near upon me and the fact that I couldn't be happier about both events. I look forward to growing older unlike most. I realize that soon my life will have to change and my skin will have to shed but really, who gives a fuck! We all have to. It's all in what lies beneath the sin, er, skin.

Chuck Motherfuckin Norris...

2006-06-01T06:09:00.000-07:00

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

Superman.... Donkeypuncher.

2006-05-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

With all the hype about his new film coming out, I thought I'd expose the Man of Steel for the Donkeypunching bastard that he is...

Off to Sin City...

2006-05-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

The Good Reverend is off to Vegas for a few days to save some souls. I heard that there is a good place to eat called The Pink Taco in the Hard Rock Hotel. I'll make sure to let you all know how it went!

Buy the bagfull (sic)

2006-05-10T14:12:00.000-07:00

So I'm noshing at Dicks the other night. Its not that rare of a thing as I love the place and all the behind the glass too. I could never do their job. Their memories are sharp as tacks and their people skills are beyond reproach. On this particular night as I waited for my Whammy, large fry and combo pizza I passed the time shooting the shit with Vinny and we're listening to "Crazy Grey Haired Guitar Guy" pull some song out of his ass about passing people and it occurred to me that I'd never seen the two there at the same time before. Now there was this convergence of cosmic forces that had brought them and I together at Dicks on the same night. They are both Spokane icons and neither minded the other being there. The odd thing was they also did not acknowlage the others presence. Once my food came up I was amiss as to what to do with my change. Usually it will go to Vinny's "CAMAWOH FUND" or into CGHGG'S guitar case. Not wanting to offend either I split it between the two. Then I sat in my Jeep and grubbed whilst I watched the parade of all kinds. One thing about Dicks though is they have the best Coke I've ever tasted ( in liquid form of course..) Don't know how or why this is but it must be something in the way they mix the syrup or something who knows. Either way I feel Dicks gets a bad rap. I mean really how dirty can the place really be it has glass walls for christ's sake. You can look right into the kitchen what could they possibly do to your food that can't be seen. I firmly believe people need to lower their standards a bit and eat some more fucking whammies!

Reverend Silky Johnson would like to thank the following sponsors...

2006-05-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sam's Pit

Swanson's Frozen Dinners

Cassano's grocery

Dick's Hamburgers

Steve Eugster

The good folks at Pfizer Phamacuticals

The Nomads, Spokane Chapter 81 of The Hells Angels ( thanks again for the hospitality and letting me take my 2006 Xmas photo and I'll replace all the broken beer glasses I promise.)

Mootsy's

Hollywood Video

Folgers Coffee

Bushmills

Dewars

Tangerey

The Riverfront park suction goat. ( Again, I'm really sorry for violating ewe.. but you really did remind me of my 2nd girlfriend with that sexy ass mouth of yours..)

My last girlfriend, I'm sorry already!! what more can I say, I was overserved. Get the fuck over it already! I was the true victim in the whole ordeal not you!

John at the Baby Bar

Internet Porn

Geiger Correctional Facility

Mrs. Khulman ( 2nd grade was my peak.)

Judge John D. Madden

Chicken N More

P.M. Jacoys

GrrAnimals jeans

Hamburger Helper

Pabpt's Blue Ribbon

Charles Bukowski

One weird mellowly nice early morning.

2006-05-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

So I was lying in bed Friday night wide awake for some reason staring at the red brick walls of my bedroom. It was about 1am and I couldn't sleep at all. My daughter was at her mother's for the weekend so I got up, cracked a beer open, popped a couple Hydros and sat down at my kitchen table that overlooks 1st Ave and Washington street looking at the 20 somethings wander drunkenly to and from the various bars whooping it up and enjoying the last bit of the night that was winding down for them. I watched Sam turn out the neon beer sign at Mootsy's. I watched as the hotdog vendor pulled up stakes at 2:45 after the last drunk had gotten his last bratwurst. The hydros were kicking in nicely and my mind was swimming in clear blue water so I decided to take an early morning walk around the city at around 3am. I pulled on my pants and t shirt and rolled a joint. I took the fire escape out back from my place and walked down the alley behind Europe pizza and then down Howard street. Everything was nice and quiet. Even the winos were sleeping. Outside of a sushi place called "Raw" I think it's called, a girl was just done locking up and walked towards me about a block up. I crossed to the opposite side of the street so I didn't scare her and walked down towards Monroe Street. It was a really nice night out and I felt lucky to be where I was and thankful for what I had around me. I walked past the post office and the Spokesman building and then across the street by the Spokane club and the Mason's building. I've always liked that little stretch of a block. I sat down for a few at a bench there and looked at St Matthews church for a bit. I decided to get up and head back before some cop decided I was a homeless guy and tazered my ass. Given the luck the SPD has had with their tazers I didn't want to chance an encounter.. So I walked back east on Main street until I got to Wall. I was passing the old Cucina Cucina resturant in the old Cresent building and I heard someone playing "Slow Blues" by John Coltrain! I walked up a bit on Wall and in the alley between Riverside and Main behind the old restaurant and someone was playing a trumpet really well. Now its not really an alley its more like a tunnel as the old Cresent building goes right over it and it was used as their loading dock. I decided to walk down and compliment whomever was blowing the trumpet and as I approached the guy I realized it was Ed Orgill. I'd known him since Jr. High and hadn't seen him in about a year or so. Ed's always been a great musician. In fact after high school he got a job playing saxophone on cruise ships. I think he was as relieved to see me as I was him. I had forgotten what time it was and didn't even think about the fact that I was approaching a stranger in an alley at 3:30 am. Anyway, come to find out he plays with the Spokane Jazz Orchestra and likes to practice down in that alley because of the acoustics and no one bothers him at that hour. So we shot the shit for a while, caught up on old times and shared the joint I had brought. Then he played a Theloneous Monk song before we realized the sun was almost up. We exchanged numbers and decided to go out for beers in the next couple of weeks then I headed back up to the street and to my apartment. When I got back to my place the sun was almost up so I drew the blinds and fell face first onto my nice comfortable bed and slept until noon.

Reunion

2006-04-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

So I received an e mail a couple weeks ago letting me know my twenty year high school reunion was coming up in October. Truth be told I'm kind excited. I skipped my ten year reunion for whatever reason but I think I may just attend this one. This didn't happen without some thought though. I've been running into more and more people from my old high school and it turns out they remember me differently than I remember myself being. Truth be told it'll be nice to see some people from the class of '86 too. There really wasn't anyone I disliked in high school and I had a great time there. And my life is better than I thought it would be at this stage of the game. No, I'm not married but I do have a great daughter and a great job and a nice place and that for me is enough at this point. So, when people ask me about my life and crap I'll be able to answer honestly and with some pride.

Plus...THE GODDAMN DRINKS ARE FUCKING FREE!!!

I'm sure at some point in the night the tie will loosen around my collar and the hair will get disheveled and who knows what else will happen but hey, I won't have to see them for another 10 years right?

A Bukowski poem.

2006-04-20T02:20:00.000-07:00

Big Night On The Town

drunk on the dark streets of some city,
it's night, you're lost, where's your
room?
you enter a bar to find yourself,
order scotch and water.
damned bar's sloppy wet, it soaks
part of one of your shirt
sleeves.
It's a clip joint-the scotch is weak.
you order a bottle of beer.
Madame Death walks up to you
wearing a dress.
she sits down, you buy her a
beer, she stinks of swamps, presses
a leg against you.
the bar tender sneers.
you've got him worried, he doesn't
know if you're a cop, a killer, a
madman or an
Idiot.
you ask for a vodka.
you pour the vodka into the top of
the beer bottle.
It's one a.m. In a dead cow world.
you ask her how much for head,
drink everything down, it tastes
like machine oil.

you leave Madame Death there,
you leave the sneering bartender
there.

you have remembered where
your room is.
the room with the full bottle of
wine on the dresser.
the room with the dance of the
roaches.
Perfection in the Star Turd
where love died
laughing.

Charles Bukowski

Big John Bates and the Voodoo Dolls..

2006-04-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

Man what a night. Hellova show. If you've never caught this act you should! I've seen them about 4 times now and it just keeps getting better. The Good Reverend was well liqured up and in rare form that night which means I don't have much to report as I remember very little. Here are some pic if you missed the show though. it was at the Bside/whateverthe hell they are calling it now. its a little too clean for me though. I'm an oldschooler from the days before it was even mothers and it was called Henry's. Man,Voodoo Dolls and Vicodin. What the fuck else do you need in life.

By the way go to http://spokane.undergroundcity.net/photos.php for some kick ass show local photos.

DIO baby DIO!!!

2006-04-06T03:58:00.000-07:00

To a great stress reliever..

2006-04-06T03:54:00.000-07:00

Mistress Dee, I'll miss you.

God speed up to the mountains and please, please let that fellow out of the cage.

2:22 and I don't mind dyin.

2006-04-06T02:41:00.000-07:00

Well alright.

I totally forgot I had this fucking "blog" thing. Where did the last three weeks go.. Oh yeah, they were largely consumed by the Baby Bar where I was deeply hard at work writing my next rock opera.

Nah, Just foolin. I was laying in a puddle of drool on the bar with heavy lids in a peaceful "Soma Coma" dreaming dreams of putting together a team of super superheros to save my day.

I woke up the other Sunday morning next to a woman I've never met.

Honest.

I had vague memories of meeting her but no inclination of what her name was or how on earth in my drunken stupor I was able to impress her enough to bring her the half a block from the bar home with me.

Now I know what you're thinking.. "Reverend Silky! What happened to your vow of chastity!?!?" "What happened to waiting for the right one to run into you??" "Have you deserted your faith?"

My Answer..? I'm no Saint. I told you that in the beginning. I truly held out for a while. I really did. And like always I didn't set out with aspirations of bringing anyone home to the joint.
Anyway, I was at a birthday party for a friend. ( the sweet hairdesser that introduced me to "Blonda".) We were at Peking North for some stupid reason. All was great until "Blonda showed up. Man, you would have loved it. I did the right thing and ignored her all night just like a good guy. In order to do that though inebriation was necessary. I bought 4 or 5 rounds of jello shots for the table. In all my 37 years I'd never had a jello shot. I thought that was weird right around the 4th one. After that we went to Trick Shot Dixies. Man that's a nasty hole of a place. Reeks of desperation and cheap hair gel. But for whatever reason I was in the mood for it and decided to suck it up and go with it. The people I was with were all cool people and were in some VIP section or another. Even "Blonda" disappeared after a while and left me alone. Anyway, all I really remember was running into a old coworker of mine named Ingrid and she had a cute little thing of a redhead with her that swore she knew me. Even though the redhead kept telling me she was married now she kept a distance of less than an inch between us. I was trying to talk to Ingrid once I found out she was single but the redhead kept pulling me closer to her. To be perfectly honest I thought I was catching a vibe and was totally going for the chick bifecta with them thinking "Hey.. Maybe I could talk them BOTH into... nah." and part of me was trying to put on a show to make "Blonda" pissed. Anyway I gave Ingrid my number and told the redhead it was too bad she was sporting the ring or she could have gotten it too. ( purely joking I'm not at all egotistical!) When she took it off and put it in her pocket! So I did what any other self respecting ordained minister would have done,. I gave her my number too! Shortly after that "Saul" "Len" "John" and I left there because we were getting little loopy and quite frankly were out of our element. We went to the old B Side which is some other place now. Totally swanked out. hated it. But Ben Cater was there and bought the good reverend many upon many shots of mescal. I was blurry at this point but I do remember answering my phone and speaking to the little redhead who asked where I was. I informed her I was a block from my place. She asked if I wanted some company and well, who was I to tell her or myself no. So we met outside of my building and took the long walk up the stairs to my joint. The rest is a blur. But judging by her hair and smile I'm pretty sure fun was had by all. Come to find out her name was.. Yeah, no... I won't be divulging that here. Not that it would matter anyway. I made her coffee and French toast before she left though.

What the hell right?

Things to know about the good Reverend..

2006-03-14T01:08:00.000-08:00

1. I've twice taken the Amtrack Coast Line down to Los Angeles alone and stayed in Skid Row for two to three weeks to go on my own "Bukowski" tour.

2. Yes, I'm an ordained minister. And yes I will bless you if you ask me to.

3. My daughter is the adult and I am very much the child in the whole ordeal.

4 My Daughter is the only girl I've ever loved for more than three months.

5. I found a grey pubic hair the other day and I'm not at all freaked out.

6 I love the "dones" the "cets" and the "dans" I really don't think there is a bad pharmaceutical made..

7. Ok.. I lied I'm freaked out by the grey pube.

8. I know a lot of "artsy" people yet I HATE art.

9. My God Lisa Loeb is fucking hot.

10. See above.

So evidently there is a Tea Bar opening under my joint..

2006-03-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

No.. I did NOT say "tittie" bar. TEA bar as in earl grey and darjeeling and crap like that. little crappy ass lawn ornaments that middle aged women snap up like a diabetic to insulin even though they know damn well they don't even HAVE a fucking lawn!

Jesus.

Places in the 'hood

2006-02-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

Outside my front door..

Mootsy's. The bar across the street from my joint.

Mootsy's. The bar across the street from my joint.

The Baby Bar.. My chin usually rests on this bar.

Another of The Baby Bar.. I've NEVER seen it this bright before..

The Return of "Blonda" An open letter.

2006-02-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

In case you don't remember, you started out drunk Sunday evening and called me out of the blue. You were in rare form indeed calling me every name you could imagine and even tried to make a few up. after I knew you were passed out I called and left you a message to let you know I wasn't up for another round of your shit and I really wanted to be left alone and that I couldn't care less for you or your bullshit.
Then you called at 5am Monday morning a little more sober but I was still upset and didn't want to hear your apologies and again told you to leave me the hell alone. At 1:30 Monday when you called you were incredibly drunk and not at all coherent but I did understand you when you asked me to please come over. I hung up on you and went back to bed cursing the moment on the fire escape when I asked you out that night. I got up after 10 minutes and got my car from across the street and drove to your place. There was no answer when I knocked but the door was unlocked. your place was trashed and you were passed out on the couch with a plastic fifth of canadian club in your hand and wine bottles all around you. I stood there wondering why I came and if it would make a difference at all but I was worried about you none the less.
You won't remember any of this at all I'm sure, but it was me that poured out your whiskey and the wine that was left in the bottle. It was also me that took your keys and hid them from you. ( they are in your bottom middle drawer under your green sweater by the way..) And it was me that covered you with the blanket.
You won't be calling me anymore because it was me that erased my phone number from your phone before I left.

Quod me nutrit me destruit

2006-02-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have this tattooed on the middle of my back right below the neck line. It's Latin, and translated it reads "What nourishes me will destroy me" It's from a book by Homer called "The Odyssey" See when Helen was taken from Ulysses he went in search of her. Along the way he had to pass an island inhabited by beautiful sirens who sang bewitching songs to ensnare sailors as they passed. These sailors would not be able to resist their songs and would fall under their spell and crash their ships upon the rocks and be taken prisoner by the witches. Ulysses knew of this danger and had his men tie themselves to the masts of the ship before they passed the sirens. He however had to remain strong as they passed so he could steer the ship past the island. As the sirens sang their songs and his men begged to be set free in order to follow the songs to their doom. Ulysses repeated this phrase over and over to keep himself off the rocks and away from the sirens. I got it done last summer to ward off the crazy chicks since I don't have a mast to tie myself to.

Damn.. What happened to Tuesday?

2006-02-22T03:56:00.000-08:00

So I evidently had the night off from work last night and decided to do a little drinkin and carousin. It seems like forever Since the good Reverends gone out for some gin. I woke up alone about an hour ago alone so evidently I'm still in "chick free" mode although it was touch and go for a while there with this brunette that works for some ad agency downtown that I met at the Baby Bar. ( Thanks again John for pretending to put the tonics in my gin and tonics..) I'm not even sure of her name Angie, Amy, Andrea, I dunno. Some "A" name. She made a smart ass comment about my pajama shirt I was wearing. See I had gotten out of bed at 2ish yesterday since I worked the night before and to be honest I was pretty damn comfortable in my pajama shirt, and since I'm not out to impress any chicks nowadays its all about comfort baby. Plus its really convenient to fall face first into your bed with your pajamas already on.
So, back to "Aaaahavenoidea" She is a co worker of a chick I had dated pretty seriously for a while and I ended it a couple years ago. Ok, strike that. SHE ended it by leaving my ass for the guy that opened the Hooters out in the Valley. Anyway.... Evidently they aren't the best of pals and she took great pleasure in telling me about how my ex is no longer with the Hooters guy any more ( I knew her jealous ass wouldn't be able to take all those waitresses working for the guy.) So, more than anything I got the feeling she was looking for some dirt on my Ex from me and probably would have gone home with me just to spite her and so she could casually bring it up in conversation with my ex at work. Now it might have been that I'd only had a couple gin and tonics and only a little bit of pharmacuticles flowing through my system but I I played it real coy and said nothing disparaging about my ex at all and more importantly came home alone even after she followed us to Blue Fin. I'm pretty proud of my ass. she wasn't bad looking and morally it would have been good for my soul but I held firm. She gave me her number before I left which is somewhere in my place.
who the hell knows where.

The Origin of Reverend Silky Johnson...

2006-02-15T04:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm an ordained minister. No, I'm not biblical or lead a holy life in any sense of the term. In fact it's pretty much the polar opposite of that I'm sure. I just wanted one of those cool shirts with the white collar and wanted to marry people. I've always had a twisted view on religion. Hell I've even gone as Jesus Christ for the last three Halloweens. Believe it or not there are a lot of chicks that want to hump on the Son of God. There is just something about getting hit on by an obnoxious Jesus blasted out of his mind that turns some chicks on. And those my friends are exactly the type of chicks the good Reverend Silky likes. Anyway, I decided to get ordained on the internet as a joke. You can do it to here at:

http://www.ulc.net/

Its free and takes about 3 seconds. You can order shirts and shit and it enables you to perform such all time favorites as weddings, christening, and for those who lean that way and live in states that don't recognize your unholy unions.. "Love ceremonies" for you same sexers. Plus its kinda cool to make everyone at work call you "Reverend" I have my first wedding I'll be performing in July for a couple of co workers ( I'll let you know how that turns out provided I stay sober long enough that day to actually perform the service...) regardless, the only thing my holiness can't do is circumcisions and really, who the fuck wants to do that shit anyway. don't get me wrong, I'm glad I don't have a turtleneck on the big guy but I sure wouldn't want to be that makes that cut. So, if you'd like Reverend Silky to perform YOUR wedding ceremony just let me know, we can maybe work something out. I was almost going to stand outside Dicks with my black shirt and collar on with a sign that that read "WILL WED FOR VODKA"I may still... Keep an eye out.

My Joint

2006-02-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, so I suppose I should post a picture of where I spend my days and my nights when I'm not slaving for the man. Wait... I've never slaved for the man I shouldn't lie. The majority of my job involves sitting in my dark office with nothing but the glow of my computer to keep me company.

My nine year old the "Neo modern impressionist."

2006-02-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

My daughter has developed a propensity for painting. This is truely amazing to me as I'm not the slightest bit artistic. Her mother on the other hand is an incredible artist and I'm not surprised that skill was handed down. We spent the weekend doing very little but painting and watching the Disney channel. We had a "sleepout" on the floor Friday night in front of the TV and I numbed my mind on numorous preteen Disney commercials mascarading as "quality telivison programming" ( Yes, a couple Vicodin DID help this along.) It made me remember back to Our trip to Disneyland with Saul and his son. My aunt lives in Burbank and my uncle works for Disney and scored us VIP tickets to Disneyland and California Adventure park. The trip was incredible. Her and I had never been on a big trip together and even the flight was great and the trip was the best time I've ever had in my life. We drove up and down the Pacific Coast Highway stopping everywhere from Malibu to Big Sur. Disney was everything a nine year old could ever want, and it was something we will both remember forever. Plus Saul and his son turned out to be the perfect traveling partners. I almost got my ass kicked by Paul Sr. from "American Choppers" in Long Beach but even that was cool actually. Turns out he's quite the asshole and sips Mimosas on the little trendy strip in Longbeach outside some fruity bar. Evidently some chick he must know tried to get my parking spot and I muscled my way in pissing off both her and him. He was superpissed and I was cracking up! I had my camera and almost took a picture of his "madface" too bad I didn't

Damn it.

Anyway, watching the Disney commercials on Friday made us remember and out of the blue my daughter gave me a great big hug and thanked me again.

being a father kicks ass.

Morningtimes..

2006-02-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

I work nights at a bank so I get off (work..) at 7:30am mon-weds. I park my car in the garage across the street from my place ( Its awsome, I just hand my keys to the guy and he parks it. ( I'd like to take this moment to give a big shout out to Kenny the Parking guy... KENNY YOU ROCK MAN!) Each day I come in and he takes my car and asks how the night went and all. Then I walk across the street grab the Spokesman Review off the outside door and walk up the three flights of stairs where I'll pop a papbt's and read the paper while I watch me some Judge Joe Brown justice be served. Then again sometimes I walk a few blocks west and hit Rocket Bakery for some lemon bread and a breve. I was doing just that yesterday morning and for some reason it must have been Lisa Lobe day at the bakery because I swear every chick in there looked the part. Now I'm a HUGE sucker for Lisa Lobe and since I'm on a strict "No Chicks" agenda for at least a couple of months I walked in and nervously went to the counter keeping both eyes firmly glued to the floor as I made my way to the counter so as to not make eye contact with the "Lobeabes" All I could see was black sensible yet sexy shoes and cute stockings. Damn. This wasn't going to go well at all I could tell already. I had gotten almost to the counter when I almost ran into said shoes and stockings and had to look up. Sure enough there were the puppy dog eyes and the black framed glasses and shy smile. I swear to god I could almost hear that damn "Youuuuuu saaaaay I talk slooow all the time" song in my head. Anyway I almost knocked her over and spilled her Chai tea whateverthefuck drink it was all over her and actually had to grab her shoulders so she didn't fall over. She couldn't have weighed over a 100 lbs. After I apologized like a mad man for not looking where I was going and in no way letting on why I wasn't looking where I was going, all she said was "Nice save.." and gave me one of those sideways looks that can absofuckinglutely kill a man then she walked out into morning sun. I was standing there being proud of myself for not chasing her down and making a fool of myself. Part of me wanted to chuck that "No Chick" thing and chase her down like a typical stupid asshole and the other side of me quietly reminded myself about fate and that when you chase fate it rarely appears as genuine. So I took my lemon bread and bread and headed home.
To be sure though.. I WILL be there again at the same time tomorrow though.
Ok, I'm taking baby steps so sue me!

Bastards are turning my loft into a condo

2006-02-08T22:10:00.000-08:00

I just knew this fucking day would come. With all the "urban development" in downtown and all It was only a matter of time before the building owner got greedy and decided to sell off my place. I can't blame him though. He did give me first dibs on the place if I wanted to buy it for the reasonable sum of 200,000.00. All together now....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I've got until November to decide. There isn't a chance in hell I'll buy it so I'll just enjoy the rest of the year and call it a night when its over.

Ok.. So I decided to come to work..

2006-02-08T22:09:00.000-08:00

I've been awol from work for the last week or so. I just didn't feel like coming in I guess. Glad no one reads this or they would have been pretty damn bored this last week. I'm still abstaining from the womenfolk. its been almost two weeks now. They sure arent beating down my door like I thought they would be. Damn.

Bukowski would be proud..

2006-01-26T06:20:00.000-08:00

I'm an avid collector of Charles Bukowski's works. If you don't know who this is you should really find out. He's one of the best writers of the 20th century and and a hell of an interesting guy. Lived in the flophouses of LA in the 40's 50's and 60's and wrote amazing stories and poems of his adventures in the dive bars and cheap hotels and the various crazy women in his life. Finally achived fame in the 70's and they made a movie of his life called "Barfly". Some find his work depressing and crass but I find it uplifting.

Life in exile Day two..

2006-01-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

Still going strong with the plan.

Even though I received a drunken phone call from "blonde" at about 1:30am reminding me about the time I took her from behind on my boss's desk. That's all well and good and it does bear repeating but, it wasn't going to happen that night. I was steely in my reserve and held true to my word and my boss's desk was not violated although it was a tremendously tempting thought sitting there in my dark office all alone. Thank God for internet porn.. Needless to say "Blonda" was a bit angry, no scratch that.. She was way pissed off to have been turned down on her generous offer and I have to tell you it felt great to decline. That is until I remembered that internet porn is boring after 5 minutes.

Damn.

View from a taxicab

2006-01-25T05:19:00.000-08:00

Don't know why this kicked my ass it just did. Its from another blog called "New York Hack" I love the shit out of it and read it daily!

Self imposed exile Day one..

2006-01-25T01:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I got home from work this morning at 8am and decided to skip the gym and cracked a beer and watched Judge Judy instead. Somewhere between the the baby momma suing her baby daddy for the money he blew on gold fronts instead of the Cricket phone bill and the man suing the stripper he lent money to for breast imlants I decided it would be a good idea to take a break from women for a while. No, I'm not going "brokeback" or "bareback" or whatever the fuck the name of that gay cowboy movie is I'm just ignoring the ladies for a while and concentrating on my own shit. Hell, I've got a healthy porn collection what the hell do I need them for? This little epiphany came to me between my 2nd and 3rd beers so I know it wasn't the alcohol talking... I got up off the couch and went to take my morning shower and felt extremely good about my choice. Hell yeah.. This is gonna be fun! I got out of the shower and hit the sack around 9:30 am. I was fast asleep dreaming of all the chicks I was going to be ignoring when my stupid phone started ringing. I have a Treo which is kind of a Blackberry thing and it has the most obnoxious gay ass ring you've ever heard. I can't download any cool ringtones or anything. I tried to download the theme from "Sandford and Son" ( which would have totally kicked ass by the way...) but it never worked out for me. Oh well. Anyway, the phone wakes me up and I roll over and see who it is and lo and behold it's "blonda" who is most likely testing out the "Lets just be friends" water. I decide to roll back over and not answer the call since I'm now an official woman ignorer. Man, this is already working out great! So I get up that evening and and walk across the street to the BBQ joint across the street and and check in with old man Bob and have a catfish sandwich for dinner before I headed to work. Bob has owned the place for about 20 years and is a deeply religious black man from the south. Memphis I believe. We often get into lively discussions over brisket. I like him, he's religious but not in a preachy sort of way. Although secretly I believe he's conspiring with the lord to save my soul since he heard I became an ordained minister on the internet just so I could get one of those cool shirts but we'll save that story for another day. I told Bob about my plan to ignore women for a while and for the first time in the 10 years I've known him he was speechless. He looked at me hard for a long time and then he said "Now why in the hell would you want to do some dumb shit like THAT for?" I sat there thinking for a few seconds and realized I didn't have an answer to that but I just had a feeling that it would be the right thing to do. I'm not one of those model types with the rock hard abs and the gelled out hair or a "player" by any means in fact I'm really not all that good looking I don't think but for some reason I seem to do pretty well with the chicks. I don't even make an attempt to pick them up it just sorta happens. I don't have game and I couldn't remember a line to save my life ( although I did pick up a girl at a bar once with the line " Are your parents retarded? Because you certainly turned out special!"). Hey, it was funny and it worked so cut me some slack. I just have a problem with saying no I think... I truly believe I've found some inner freaking peace or something that is now telling me to forgo the pheromones for now and start looking at the fucking trees or something. So That what I plan to do for a while. We'll see how it works and I'll keep you posted.

So I was dating this chick for a while..

2006-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

Nice enough girl, blond, funny, wore slutty thongs.. Things were moving along nicely at a good clip until the dreaded three month mark. The " Three month mark" is the make it or break it point in any relationship and I rarely make it past it for whatever reason. I either fuck it up somehow or forget their phone number. That's not always a bad thing though. it keeps a constant rotation going that saves me from getting bored. Don't get me wrong, I would love to find a chick to make it past that point and who the hell knows it may happen but until it does I'll enjoy the three month periods as they come. I think the only girl I've made it past that mark with is my daughter. Anyway, back to the chick I was dating. We'll call her.. "blonda". I met "Blonda" through a friend of mine who works as a hairdresser. They work together and "blonda" came out with her one night when I met my friend for drinks at the Baby Bar one night last November. We got to know one another over Jeigermeisters and martini's and I thought she was funny as hell, which is a rarity for me as I find most people corny as hell. She was also really hot and that never hurts. What I didn't know was my friend had been trying to set us up for a while and her evil litle plan was going smoothly. One thing led to another and I ended up promising them both a Thanksgiving feast since weirdly enough all of us had had disasterous Thanksgivings this last year. Let me take this opprtunity to tell you all that I've never made a bird or a thanksgiving dinner for that matter. I'm a guy for Christ's sake and I have this annoying little habit of promising things I can't possibly deliver when I'm drunk. Anyway, I thought it was one of those empty promises until I got a call a week later from "Blonda" asking what she could bring to dinner that Saturday night.... Well, Long story short I made a great bird and dinner went off without a hitch. lot's of people showed up that night and I took the chance to duck out on the fire escape with "Blonda" and ask her out to dinner. After we had all hung out at my place her and I and my friend ( We'll call him "Len" for blogs sake.) went across the street to Mootsy's for some drinks. "Blonda" and I were clicking on all six cylinders and she was throwing back the drinks. She drew a picture of some mistletoe on a cocktail napkin and held it over her head and looked me right in the eye and said "Well...?" we said our goodbyes to "Len" and stumbled across the parking lot back to my place and left a trail of clothes all the way from the door to the bed. The sex was intense and she left a perfect bite mark on my chest right over my heart that stayed for a week. We layed in bed the next day until noon and then she bought me breakfast and we made plans for the following Friday night. The next weekend I picked her up and took her to Ella's Supper Club and we had dinner and watched the old silent movies they play on the side of the building across the street. Only problem was "Blonda" got trashed on Rum and diet cokes and I had to literally carry her up the stairs to my place and put her to bed. The next morning however she left another bite mark over my heart and all was forgiven. We kept in touch that week and she took me to dinner at an italian joint a few blocks from my place that weekend and she sat across the table from me and gave me the old "you have incredible eyes" line which I thought was hilarious but she seemed to actually mean it so I laughed on the inside so as not to offend. We stopped at the Suki Yaki which is a sake bar across the alley from the italian place and had some sake. Again, "Blonda" got WASTED and I had to carry her back to my house. Now.. before you get the idea that I'm some mad date raper.. Please understand thats NOT my M.O and never has been each time I took her to my place I tucked her into my bed fully clothed and made sure she had a pillow like the good guy that I am. The thing was, I was beginning to see a pattern forming here.. She was a bigger lush than I was and well that would never work out. So.. This went on for about two months and even though we really liked one another my arms were tired from carrying her up three flights of stairs and it came time to end things. It ended amblicably and we did the "agree to be friends" thing. Long story short, I kinda dug not causing the split. Its usually me that says something stupid or does something stupid or sleeps with her sister. Is our boy growing up? doubtful. So until the next great thing shows up at my doorstep I'll crack another beer and gaze down out my window and watch the city move around and wonder what the next one will be like.

This is where I live although you'll never know exactly where..

2006-01-23T22:56:00.000-08:00

This is where I live. I'll post some pictures of the inside soon although I'm certain its not that impressive.

Young Chicks and Gin maybe the cure

2006-01-23T22:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome, I suppose I should spill a little about myself. I'm a single father who lives with his 9 year old daughter in a loft the middle of downtown Spokane. I date, I drink beer, and I enjoy the shit out of my life. I'm work for an E Commerce Bank. I make decent money for doing very little work. There are two very distinct "me's" There is the me who is a loving father who paints with his daughter on Saturday afternoons and coaches her YMCA baseball team and loves to get up with her on a Sunday afternoon, and get scones at the Rocket Bakery and read the paper, eating catfish sandwiches across the street and doing homework with my daughter when she is with me during the week. Then there is the other "me"... The one who loves dive bars and hydrocodone, loves hanging out with my pals, The one who's not afraid to call someone a "fucking retard" with complete and utter sincerity, the one who is not politically correct in ANY sense of the term and can be a complete asshole at the drop of a dime. The one who's not exactly a womanizer but rarely turns them down. These two sides of me have never met and most likely will not ever. That's fine by me in fact I like it that way. If one did not exist the other would not either. I realize this is a weird Dichotomy and it won't last forever and the hilarity of it is not lost on me. Although it may have been lost on some of the women I've woken up next to that have been kicked out of my bed because the two me's were about to collide.

I lead an interesting life and I would not change it in the slightest.